Life Junction
Broken and jaded. If this is ever a sign of overwork, or things going off track. I'm pretty sure I'm burnt out from everything, every aspect of my life, and every dream I could look forward to.
It's like your heart is being robbed of hope and wrung so tightly you could hardly breathe, yet you could not afford to be willful once and toss the anguish aside. Each passing second is a pain, a relentless effort to look put together, and a feeble attempt to stay sane and intact. I'm probably dismantled already, internally, and unknowingly. I'm just so sick of everything.
Last night I had a dream. I hadn't had a long dream for ages, many of which I could not remember, but this particular one is a batter of woes and desires reflected deep down. Half of me yearns for it to happen, but the other half is being realistic. That's where dreams draw their lines and stay in position, being all puffy and dreamy. Too good to be true, too far to be reached.
The greenery on the other side always looks greener. I thought perhaps it's just me stowing myself in and not being able to appreciate the beings around me, but fate does play a big role and some people are just not meant to be. A phrase pops up in my mind sometimes, one that I came across in ig, stating, "I'm not anti-social, I'm just being selectively social". How true. Not that I've not tried, but beer and milo definitely don't blend well together. A flat hard truth. We don't have the same feathers, we can't flock together.
But this is the least of priorities. Going forward, the prospects don't look good either, and that is making matters worse. We don't have a push or pull to being with, and now, with this outlook, I find myself desperately wanting to swim out of the cyclone. It's going to be eternal doom once I get sucked in, I need to leave. But what else's lying there once you're out of the door? I'm stupefied at my loss of direction.
Not that I've not mustered the courage to take the first step, which I realised I should've done this way earlier. Way back in school days, when I had the time and more opportunities to. But that shouldn't be an excuse to my denial, and I'm gonna do it now. Even if it's going to be tough, even if it has to take a toil on me mentally, physically, or financially. If this is what it takes to start sacrificing for one's dream, well, my mental preparation starts now.
There are so many ambitions to be achieved, and it's appalling to find the spirit slackening with each day passing. I'm gradually losing to this stability and contentment, I forgot what I've been originally chasing for, and as I look at people around me, the nasty thought that I should concede defeat arises, to my terror. Is this what I want, or is this what I don't want?
The answer is crystal clear. How could I give in? The battle is still long.
Blame no one, for I could be the main culprit inducing all these mental stress in me. But till I've figured things out, life's gonna be a big STRESS word to me and I'm just gonna use blogging to unwind myself.
It's like your heart is being robbed of hope and wrung so tightly you could hardly breathe, yet you could not afford to be willful once and toss the anguish aside. Each passing second is a pain, a relentless effort to look put together, and a feeble attempt to stay sane and intact. I'm probably dismantled already, internally, and unknowingly. I'm just so sick of everything.
Last night I had a dream. I hadn't had a long dream for ages, many of which I could not remember, but this particular one is a batter of woes and desires reflected deep down. Half of me yearns for it to happen, but the other half is being realistic. That's where dreams draw their lines and stay in position, being all puffy and dreamy. Too good to be true, too far to be reached.
The greenery on the other side always looks greener. I thought perhaps it's just me stowing myself in and not being able to appreciate the beings around me, but fate does play a big role and some people are just not meant to be. A phrase pops up in my mind sometimes, one that I came across in ig, stating, "I'm not anti-social, I'm just being selectively social". How true. Not that I've not tried, but beer and milo definitely don't blend well together. A flat hard truth. We don't have the same feathers, we can't flock together.
But this is the least of priorities. Going forward, the prospects don't look good either, and that is making matters worse. We don't have a push or pull to being with, and now, with this outlook, I find myself desperately wanting to swim out of the cyclone. It's going to be eternal doom once I get sucked in, I need to leave. But what else's lying there once you're out of the door? I'm stupefied at my loss of direction.
Not that I've not mustered the courage to take the first step, which I realised I should've done this way earlier. Way back in school days, when I had the time and more opportunities to. But that shouldn't be an excuse to my denial, and I'm gonna do it now. Even if it's going to be tough, even if it has to take a toil on me mentally, physically, or financially. If this is what it takes to start sacrificing for one's dream, well, my mental preparation starts now.
There are so many ambitions to be achieved, and it's appalling to find the spirit slackening with each day passing. I'm gradually losing to this stability and contentment, I forgot what I've been originally chasing for, and as I look at people around me, the nasty thought that I should concede defeat arises, to my terror. Is this what I want, or is this what I don't want?
The answer is crystal clear. How could I give in? The battle is still long.
Blame no one, for I could be the main culprit inducing all these mental stress in me. But till I've figured things out, life's gonna be a big STRESS word to me and I'm just gonna use blogging to unwind myself.
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